Image crisis, maybe?

My second anniversary is coming up next week. I can’t believe that I have been working at this place for two years. Just a couple of blog entries ago, I wrote about being hired by my current boss. Two years has gone by fast now that I am looking back even though during that time, there were millions of slow and boring long moments. Since I have taken this job, I have had intellectual and image crises. Crises are not necessarily bad, for example, you have to step back one step to move forward two steps. Positively thinking as I am, I am enjoying the crises to some extent.

Intellectually, I am being under-employed. Do you need a master’s degree to know how to greet guests and schedules meetings? Even though my job is much more than a receptionist, sadly people only see me as a receptionist because most of the things I do are in support of a few high rank people. I don’t mind what people think really, particularly when I get paid pretty well for doing so little and I have the best boss ever. However, at the back of my mind, I know that I can do better. I know that I have achieved lots of things in my life just because I keep pushing myself hard. In the past two years, I have not pushed myself that hard. I have gotten in the settling mode, with family, a stable job and income. I am not a risk-taker and now is not a good time to take a risk. So I have put my fancy degree at the bottom of a drawer and do a no-brainer job.

Image-wise, it’s a bittersweet laugh. I would have never thought I would be a pretty receptionist in the public eye. In my family, I was the tomboy girl, my sister was the girlie girl. Watching “Pride and Prejudice,” I identify myself with the younger sister (Elizabeth Bennet, starred by Keira Knightley), outspoken, blatant sometimes, and practical. Shy, dreamy, and romance seeking is definitely my sister and also the older sister (Jane Bennet starred by Rosamund Pike). In school, I was a top student, very popular among girls and boys. I always had my groups. I was a common looking girl, not the one who would turn people’s heads or go to beauty pageants, even though I went once when I was in first grade and got cut off after the first round. I had so much make-up on that I couldn’t recognize myself when looking at a mirror. Having that mentality all my life, I was offensive to be mentioned to as “the pretty receptionist.” If I could talk back, I would say, “I am not only pretty but also smart.” But I didn’t because I wanted to keep my job. People started to come to me to talk about clothes, jewelries, hairstyles, make-up stuff and all. Seriously, I couldn’t care less. My clothes are mostly from my girlie sister who was too kind to send me dozens of dresses and tops. Some are too nice to wear to work. One time I wore this black dress with my pearl jewelries because my husband and I were going to a law office later that day. I could see that some people were hesitant to ask me to clean up their lunch. I have never worn that dress again. For people who want to talk about girls’ stuff, I can’t help much because I don’t have much knowledge to share. My stuff is more for function than form. I try to find something that looks nice but not too painful to wear. For example, my heels are not too tall and fairly comfortable even though I know better than walking in them a lot. It takes me 30 minutes to wake up and get out of the house every morning. I am not the kind of girls who straighten (or curl) their hair everyday. It is irony that people see me like one of those. I now get much used to the compliments, sometimes people are just trying to be nice. I wish one day soon I will get back my “smarty-pants” image. And maybe I can be both pretty and smart, but not cocky or nerdy like the ones in some teens’ movies (wink).

"We are where we eat"

Recently on NPR I have heard this “commercial” “We are where we eat.” Commercial is in quotes because NPR doesn’t call it “commercial” like on other commercial radio/TV networks. NPR is a non-profit organization. And yes, I listen to public radio whose listeners are normally older (somewhat me), well educated (me), and more liberal (definitely me!). I’ll write about NPR another time but this time, this commercial keeps me pondering. I have to admit that I agree with it to some extents. I have heard “we are what we wear” or “clothes makes a man or a woman.” People wear clothes, shoes, hats, jewelries, hair, tattoos, piercings, or nothing at all partly to make themselves comfortable and partly to show off who they are. Some may want to show that they have a good (or bad) taste for style and fashion. Some want to tell the world that they have money or lots of money. Some just want to fool people of who they really are. Lots of pocket-pickers dress nicely and “practice” at upscale hotels or fancy restaurants. It’s an art to fool people with the look and appearance. That’s why we have the word “scam-artist,” think Howard Hughes or Leonardo DiCaprio in “Catch me if you can.” Anyways, we all know that we are totally not what we wear, but we still judge people through their outfits or appearance. I like to look at red carpet pictures and see who wears the best outfit. You will be surprised how few “stars” have a good taste for clothes. Maybe they don’t want to show off their good taste but their “weirdo-ness,” think Katie Perry. It’s also surprising how many has shown up on the red carpet in a dress that is similar to what someone else wore before. And the worst part is very next day, pictures of the two dresses put side by side for comparison will be on the cover of all the cheap magazines everywhere.

Now back to where we eat, can we make the same conclusions as what we wear? Where we eat definitely shows what tastes of food we have and how deep our pocket is. For example, most people are pizza lovers. Some get pizzas from a chain store like Pizza Hut or Papa John’s. Some go to a fancy Italian restaurant where a pizza costs twice as much. But a fancy pizza is freshly handmade from their kitchen with organic ingredients (maybe) baked in a traditional brick oven (so they claim) and can have seafood on it if specially ordered. Of course we have to pay more for all the artisan touch. I would go with either way, I make pizzas yourself. I don’t like to make pizzas from scratch because it takes so much time and efforts. I buy whole wheat doughs from the store and nonfat or lowfat cheeses. Tomato sauce and pepperoni’s are also store bought. I put together a pizza in five minutes, pop it in the oven and ten minutes later we have a steamy hot “homemade” pizza. It may not be cheaper than Papa John’s but a little healthier and more fulfilling because I made it. Similarly with clothes, wealthier people would show up at Papa John’s to have “a quick fix” of pizza. They don’t have to dress up to go to a nice restaurant. If they do want to go to a fancy place, they had better dress up because they know they may get a different quality service. Even though it’s not really what defines people, other people look at what you wear or where you eat to initially judge you. That’s why it is called “prejudice.” It brings me back to a beginning communication lesson which says prejudice is an unavoidable part of communication. You need an assumption or expectation to start a conversation or any kind of communication. You dress nicely walking into a fancy restaurant, see how you are treated. You dress nicely going to a rundown diner, I bet you will turn many heads and get some scans up and down. After all, we all know how prejudice works and it is not always right but we still can’t help ourselves from it.

Garden journal - August 2012

Fall of 2011, I planted a couple of perennials. A Black-eyed Susan was put on a side of my house’s entrance. It has good morning sun but shady in the afternoon even though it still gets indirect sunlight reflecting from the cement walkways. It gets really bushy this year and has lots of blooms. The cut flowers last about a week and brighten up my room. I am thinking about putting in another black-eyed susan on the other side of the entrance so that we have some symmetry.

I buy mums every year to decorate for the fall. Last year, instead of throwing them out, I planted them in the ground. They came back strongly and have been blooming since spring. Their blooms cover up the whole plant, then they dry out then another wave of buds and blooms starts again. Mums don’t need good soil and a deep hole. I could barely dig a hole in our front yard to put them in because the soil is so poor, rocky and full of tree roots. I covered the mum’s roots up with mulch to keep weeds and grass out and also help retain water. Talking about water, mums don’t need much water. I water them only when we have weeks of no rainfall. I can see different performance levels between the mums in the full sun and the ones in light shade. I put one mum underneath a crape myrtle where it has brief morning sun and indirect sunlight all day. I has been growing very well making a good block of green. However, it is not blooming even though there are lots of tiny buds. I am not sure it’s going to bloom in the fall. I noticed the same thing with my neighbor’s mums. Hers has good afternoon sun but is not blooming either. I think I’ll move that mum to a better lighted spot.

The sunray tickseeds I put in the front yard where they get mostly full sun but afternoon shade perform very well. They have been blooming since late spring and put on a stunning show of hundreds of bright yellow flowers. They multiply a lot as well so I cut off the leggy parts and kept the core. I think I will move them down to the sloppy side and split them up so that I will have a mass of sunray right in the front of my house. Their blooming has slowed down now but I bet they will put on another show before the cold hits. They attract lots of bees and little butterflies or winged insects. I tried to plant the cuttings with some little roots to see if they would grow. I have been watering them well so hopefully they will survive. The dried seeds fell on the ground I hope will sprout in the spring as well. Let us wait and see.

I love purple coneflowers. Last year I put one under the other side of the crape myrtle where it gets medium sunlight. It has grown so big and given lots of flowers. Goldfinches love to eat the dried seeds on the flower head so I left the spent flowers as is. This year, about a month ago, in the middle of summer, I got some purple coneflowers for free so I tried planting them on the side of my house facing south. They receive full sun here with lots of heat. I had to water them every day for about two weeks. They were already blooming when I planted them which was not a good time for planting. However they survived and are blooming still. The old stalks are wobbly and the flowers are small and not showy. I bet they will establish and come back strong next year. Then I’ll have lots of goldfinches in my garden.

In companion with the coneflowers I have stella d’oro daylilies. I may see my master ideas here. I want to build a native garden with plants that are drought tolerant, heat tolerant, and require little feeding. Daylily is one of those perennials you plant once then let them do their job. They have been flowering since early spring and has slowed down now. I see that some people cut down the foliage to force them renew leaves and bloom again. I enjoy their foliage so I won’t cut them back this year. I bought some plants from a mail order company. It sounds like a good deal but they sent you pieces of dry root. I was skeptical but planted those roots anyways. They all survive but grow slowly and poorly. I could have split a one-gallon container of daylilies into dozens of those pieces of root. So I think I will split the big bunches of daylilies next year.

The butterfly bush I planted last year is growing strongly and blooming beautifully. It doesn’t have full sun and is crammed between a fence and a crapemyrtle. It could have been bigger if it was standing by itself but I like to control its size so it works out perfectly. It attracts some butterflies, few monarchs however, I expect to see more butterflies next year. A blanket flower was put right next to it thus receive very little sunlight. It blooms on and off and has become leggy. I need to move it to a full sun spot this fall.

I also planted some sedums and bearded irises. The irises didn’t bloom this year but hopefully next summer they will. The sedums are starting to bloom right now. They were eaten by some critter in the spring when weather was cool and wet. Some leaves and young stalks went missing however they look strong now. There could have been more blooms hadn’t it had the damage.

My shade garden is my pride this year. Those plants do so well after the first year. The Roxanne geranium has been blooming and crawling since spring and doesn’t show any sign of stopping. The hostas bloomed once since early summer. I should have removed the flower stalks right after flowers were spent so that they would bloom again. I hope they will do anyways before winter. The Japanese anemone has beautiful foliage and posture and started to have pink blooms now. The fern I picked up from the edge of a fence and put in a container doesn’t seem to be able to survive the heat and drought. I know they prefer moisture. I was negligent in watering and it now looks horrible. I’ll see how it deals with winter.

Two other plants just showed up in my garden this year, a snapdragon and a Queen Anne Lace flower. The snapdragon I transplanted into a barrel and it bloomed and bearing seeds now. I am collecting those seeds to start again next spring. The lace flower plant was a surprise. It looks like weed, the kind that some consider weed some consider a wild flower. I take it as a wild flower. I am going to collect its seeds and put it into my natural native flower garden.

The two astilbes I put in the shaded area, one bloomed, one didn’t. I started some columbines in the spring and they didn’t bloom but hopefully they will next year and reseed themselves. I have two square foot of parsley and I have been cutting lots of them for use and give-away. Onion looks good as well. I have used some as green onions and some I move to mix with other plants. They seem to do well in the heat and dry soil once established. The thyme I started as seeds in containers and in a shady area looks good as well. I grew basil successfully for the first time and have been using fresh basil leaves. I have a lot to give away as well. Strawberries, a rosemary in a clay pot don’t perform well because it gets dry so easily. I have to water everyday to keep them up and lush-looking. I may move them out of that pot. The crape myrtle after getting heavily trimmed still blooms nicely and shoots up lots of suckers that I have to cut every couples of weeks. It’s really a pain but I haven’t found the solution to stop the suckers from peaking up.

For annuals, I planted white petunias in the front and side flower beds and some pots. They barely survive in the pots, growing modestly on the side, and spreading well in the front. I think it has something to do with soil quality and watering. Last year, I had impatiens and they did well. Many of their off-springs came up this year. The pansies I put in last fall survived until early summer. I just noticed that all of them dried out by now but hopefully we’ll have more sprouts when it gets cooler. I bought some liatris bulbs and planted them in a shadier area instead of full sun. That was a big mistake. I should have done my research before putting them in the ground. They barely survive but those who survive I’ll move to the sunny area. Celesia first time I planted turned out well. Some of them got chopped back by deer. Those who didn’t die came back with more branches, that translates more blooms.

I am a gardener

My childhood home did not have a garden. Land where I lived was so valuable that people built out every inches of it. There was no place for flowers or trees. I always wished we had had a garden where I could plant all kinds of flowers and vegetables. When I was little, I went to my grandmother’s house in the countryside every summer. She had rice and vegetable crops in the field and an small orchard at home so I didn’t get to play with plants as much as I would have liked. Now that I have a small piece of land where I can garden, I can play with dirt and plants all I want. I absolutely love gardening. It’s my pastime. I can spend hours outside if the weather allows. I can spend hours researching and planning where to put which flowers. I have a million ideas of what I want my garden to look like. I save it for another entry. Gardening is a therapy to me both physically and spiritually. I enjoy gardening so much that I don’t even notice my sweat. I carry plants and tools around. I bend over to weed or cut flowers. I rake leaves and plant clippings. It is not an aerobic exercise but definitely heavier than walking on a treadmill and more interesting. Spiritually I like to see plants growing. It’s amazing how fast seeds sprout and become a plant. It’s so fun to cut flowers for a vase or pick herbs for cooking or just give away. When my seeds didn’t come up last year (probably because of a frost), I was sad for a short while but then kept on planting. It was not like when my kitten died, I was afraid that I would lose another one so I have never gotten another pet again. So I stick with plants. Garden is a good conversation topic everywhere. I can talk it with my co-workers or some people I meet randomly. There is this older gentleman who goes to the same gym as my husband and I. I don’t even know his name but we talk about our gardens and what is growing every time we meet. Anyways, call me an old lady but I like gardening!

Why I like yoga

To me, yoga is more than a form of exercise but less than a ritual/religion/belief like many people who take it all the way. Most yoga poses require strength or flexibility or both. I have moderate strength and naturally good flexibility so I take on yoga with not much difficulties. I like it that yoga is not competitive. I don’t like competitive sports like racquetball or running (in a race or for a record). People practice yoga for their own inner goods and on their own disciplines. They practice by themselves like meditating or as a form of meditation. Yoga is very well structured. If you capture the principles, the poses come easier. Many poses you would think you use this group of muscles but actually if you use another group of muscles, you can do a pose much easier. For example, side plank, it seems to be hard on your shoulder and arm. However, if you push up your hip and work your oblix, reach up your upper-arm to lift part of the weight from your lower arm while your legs stay strong and balanced, (if you can do all that) you can stay on side plank for ever, literally. Warrior III is a great pose combining strength and balance. The key is focus and tighten all muscles. Your eyes should stay staring at some dots on the floor. Standing leg is pretty tight already to support the whole body weight. The other leg should be paralleled to the floor with a flexed foot. Your core should be holding tight to connect legs with the body, not letting the leg hang wobbling. Arms on either side or front help balance. You need to really focus your mind and be conscientious about all muscles in your bodyparts to stay balanced and strong. One loose muscle can throw your balance off and you will look like an airplane with a smoking tail diving down aimlessly. 

Alignment is very important in yoga as well. For example, such an easy pose as Triangle. Your heels should be inline with your back. Hip and shoulders should be flat like you are standing against a wall. Arms are extended and land on front leg wherever they can make a right angle with the floor. So in a perfect Triangle pose, your body makes three large and small triangles. Your body is also flat and makes no curves. When I do yoga, I mostly forget about everything else. It helps my eyes and my mind relax and focus on something else. It’s a good de-stresser. When you go into the yoga room, the heat loosens your muscles. I could fall asleep in there and I have seen people sleeping (and snoring) there before. When I meditate, sometimes I feel my mind just go free and not controlling my body any more. I feel like my spirit leaves my body and takes on a journey by itself, free and wild. Then the five minute meditation is over, I get back to reality where my spirit and my body are inseparable and subjected to the Earth’s gravity. That reality is heavy on the body and the mind. That’s why I love my little escapes with yoga.

It’s never too late to start

I always think that if I had children, I would send them to all kind of classes outside school so they can learn dancing, martial arts, music, swimming and other sports. That is because I didn’t get to do all that when I was growing up. I always wish I would have done this, done that. BUT it’s never too late to start. I started learning how to swim when I was 25. I first played racquetball when I was 26. It was the first sports I had ever played though I had played a couple of badminton matches when I was young and being playful. So that was not counted as playing a sport. I wasn’t particularly good at either badminton or racquetball. I am scared of the ball coming at me at a high speed. And after a couple of bruises my husband gave me, I gave up racquetball, for now. Most parents will start their kids learning music as early as they can afford. I started learning the piano last winter (2011-2012). I learned it through books and free online lessons and under my husband’s instruction. I haven’t worked diligently at it so I am still at the beginning beginner’s stage. I love it that I am able to read music and play some very simple sheet music. Dance is somewhat like music. There are even baby ballet classes where babies learn to walk, run and dance at the same time. It’s somewhat an exaggeration but you get the idea. I started ballroom dance lessons when I was at college so I know a little of it. However the classical jazz class I am taking is a totally different animal. I started this class in the fall of 2010 and have been completely enjoying them. There are lots of ballet techniques with rich French vocabulary which I can’t make out the meaning despite my four years of studying French. It might help if I had a ballet dictionary and looked each pose up. Anyways, there are lots of different turns, jumps, hand positions, foot positions, and so on. I normally just learn it by imitating my teacher. She is a great teacher. She must be very experienced in teaching different age groups. Some students in this class act like a child, like me, just imitating, not much knowing what I am doing. Some act more like adults with dance experience. They would ask very technical questions in tiny details of each move. I mostly don’t care that much. It’s not a competition or even a performance. We normally work on a short routine and a long routine. Short routines are different every day so there is really no time for perfection. Meanwhile, we usually spend a couple of weeks on a long routine and move on so I will forget them right away to make room for the new routine. It’s a great fun listening to the music and moving your body with it. Once you do it, you highly appreciate the talents and hard work of dancers that you watch on stage or on TV shows like “So you think you can dance.” Now I can’t say that I CAN dance but I can proudly say “I dance”.

The road to the gym

Second year at Central Missouri, I started to work out. I don’t know why I decided to start then and how I got so hooked with working out. Probably one reason was because I was so bored. First year, I did not know many people. I worked a part-time job but didn’t work many hours. I spent most of my free time online connecting with my friends back home using a neighbor’s unsecured wifi. The signal wasn’t very good so I couldn’t do much of voice chatting or webcam. I spent most of the time waiting for websites to load and disconnect/reconnect. You can’t imagine how bored I was during holidays and the first summer. Then I found a gym on campus that was convenient for me to go to class, work, and home. And I started to work gym time into my schedule. I first only used the treadmill, then weightlifting machines. I learned from seeing people using those machines. Some of them I liked; some I didn’t. Overall, I enjoyed working out very much.
I did not grow up playing any sports. The only active thing I and my friends did was riding a bicycle to school. I rode for four years then went to another school to which I walked in five minutes. So working out was a whole new thing to me and I kept pushing myself to do different things at the gym. I loved it when my body was sore because I know whatever I did was taking effect. I was happy to shred some pounds and got in better shape. I loved to explore my abilities that I had never thought of before. That was why I really got into working out.

… And to the pool

Third summer, also last summer in Warrensburg, I took a swim class for adults at the local community center. That was an adventure that I know could save my life someday. Before then, I knew how to swim, kinda. I could survive in the water for about 30 seconds at most. So at this swim class, I learned different swimming styles and most importantly how to tread water. Treading water was the survival skill that helped me overcome the fear of being drown. Even though that fear still comes to me once in a while, I was much more comfortable in the water then than I had been before. After that class was over, Jane, the swim teacher offered me private lessons for free. She worked for the University so it was not much a trouble for her. She taught a couple of kids so I came after she had finished with them. She was a very nice woman and a great teacher. She kept me work hard to perfect my strokes. I always think of her when I get into the water. Thanks to her, I am now able to swim from this end of the pool and back. I rest here and there but I do get a good workout and I can survive in the water for a while in case of emergency.
I always wish I had seriously learned how to swim earlier, say when I was a child. I would be much better swimmer now. But who knows, my parents might have lost me for a lake or a pool long time ago. Well, we’ll never know.

Gotta keep on writing

One day I saw myself typing “losing wait.” I can’t believe in my eyes. I can’t spell any more. I used to laugh at native people who put “their” instead of “there.” Here I am, becoming one of them, in a bad way. I thought it might be because I haven’t read much lately or I haven’t seriously written recently. One good explanation is I didn’t put my mind into the writing. It happens when you don’t see the difference between similar words. I write everyday but short emails which normally do not have much content to it. That sort of things shouldn’t be considered writing even though it is embarrassing to find any common mistakes in an email, like misspellings or incomplete sentences. So I decided to start writing again. I need to get my linguistic brain active and sharp. But what to write? My dear DK wrote, “It’s hard to share.” It is true sharing can be hard. It may hurt your feelings if you thought you were sharing cool things to your friends and your friends thought you were a weirdo. I told him, “who cares, if you think you are cool, you are cool.” Your self confidence will attract other people. Anyways, his writings are more reader-oriented than mine. I sometimes just need to write my thoughts down so that they get through. Sometimes I just need a means of expression. I sound like writing to myself than to my readers. Well who cares, I am the benefactor and the beneficiary of the whole process. I would read it again one day and laughed at myself or be amazed by my deep thoughts. While I doubt I would read my writings again, when I write, I reflect and express. Then I move on and remember my thought process and conclusions. And here it goes…